• don't cry over spilled milk •

Melanie and I decided that once Ero was ready, she would be staying home with Jax and I. I am still breastfeeding Jax- not as much as before but I still nurse him to sleep at night, before his naps, and randomly for comfort. Naturally my body regulates the amount of milk I produce with how much Jax consumes. He eats 3 meals a day and snacks as well so of course my milk supply is not as much as Melanie's, since Ero is exclusively breastfed. We have read that the best way to get your milk supply up is to nurse as often as you can. One day I had Melanie leave Ero home with me while she went to work so I can nurse her, in hopes of sending my body the signal to produce more milk. 

The day Ero stayed home with us was a Friday and it was a breeze! We both were surprised! We didn't think it was going to be such an easy transition. The plan was for Melanie to pump while at work so that she doesn't stop producing milk, except she had left her power cord at home lol. Worried that she would become extremely engorged, Mel had her mom drop off the power cord. She took Jax along for the ride and on the way back she picked up lunch. For a good 3 hours it was just Ero and I. Oh how sweet it was :) I mean it was probably the first time I was able to have Ero completely to myself. I nursed her to sleep and snuggled with her, breathing her in. I didn't run into any difficulty until around 3pm when I went to feed her and she cried as if no milk was being expressed from my breast. Luckily ten minutes later Melanie came home and was able to feed her. Through out that weekend Mel and I would switch off with nursing Ero, again so that my body can increase milk production. 

We both thought, since it went so well on Friday that I could stay with Ero again on Monday. Woah were we wrong! What we didn't take into consideration was that on Friday my mother-in-law took Jax for a good 3 hours after his first nap so it was almost as if I was only with one and not two. This time around I had both Jax and Ero all day, all alone. Boy what a big difference does that make. Especially when both babies are still breastfeeding. When it came time to nurse Ero, Jax would get super clingy and point at my chest asking for boob too. I wanted to wait until after I nursed Ero to give Jax milk, and because I made him wait he cried. I didn't blame him, after all in his eyes I only nursed him. He has never had to share me or his milk. It hurt me because I didn't want him to think I didn't understand that he was communicating to me that he wanted milk or that I was ignoring him. I then tried playing with him using his toys, that would work for a minute and then he would look at me and see his sister latched on me, naturally it made him want to nurse too. I don't know how I did it but I finally was able to get through Ero's feeding and put her down. I then carried Jax and nursed him. Whatever milk I had left after Ero he surely finished because after a while you can tell he was just latched for comfort. He must have felt a need to "reclaim" his territory because he was latched for about 40 minutes. Anytime I would pull away he would cry. I didn't mind having him on me and sharing that time but I was afraid that he was drinking all my milk supply and there wouldn't be any for Ero when she wakes. 

It was around 12:30 when I had just finished making lunch for Jax and I- while Ero was asleep and my little man was playing in his play room. As we sat down to eat, Ero woke up ready for her lunch. I put her to my breast and she just kept crying. She would latch on and after a few she would burst out in tears and frustration. I was almost sure she wasn't getting any milk. My body wasn't producing as much or as fast to keep up with the demand of TWO babies! I was holding back tears. I felt horrible. Here I had my daughter crying and I was unable to nourish her. This literally broke my heart. I then went into the freezer and thawed out some of Melanie's frozen boobie milk, put it in a bottle and attempted to feed Ero. This was a fail, she hated the bottle, how could she not? She likes the warmth of our bodies and our scent and she had none of these things with a plastic bottle. I kept trying to feed her with a bottle and with my boob, she would only stop crying once she felt my breast but then cry because no milk was being expressed. She finally fell asleep- I think because of exhaustion. I felt so sad, I called Mel and explained everything to her, a few minutes later she came home. 

I broke down when we talked. We believe strongly that babies pick up on vibes and so I held in a lot while I was alone with them that when I was talking to Mel and telling her what went wrong I cried. I just kept picturing Ero's cries, knowing she was trying to tell me she was hungry and I couldn't do anything to comfort her. I told Melanie that I couldn't do it this way. That first day was easy because it was only Ero and I. I only had to feed one mouth as opposed to two. My body is use to one, it was capable of handling one... But two mouths to feed at the same time? I couldn't do it. 

After talking we decide to take a different route. That maybe just jumping into it wasn't the best choice. So I am now making sure I eat 3 meals a day and snacks in between. I'm increasing my water intake and starting to take my prenatal vitamins again. All while pumping a few times a day in addition to nursing Ero a few times in the evening when they get home from work. We just closed on our house five days ago and it has taken up most of our time but yesterday I developed a "ball" in my boob, aka clogged milk duct. Lol I normally hate these because they are extremely painful but they usually happen because there was a change in my nursing schedule and there is more milk that is being produced than what is being consumed. So of course I was pretty happy :). We will be trying to leave Ero again with me this Friday. Hopefully it runs smoothly. Breastfeeding is a huge commitment and can be very difficult but we believe that it is just as rewarding if not more and super beneficial for our two angels. Wish me luck! :)